Third times the charm?

Well as most of you have read on facebook...I am pregnant..again. I have known for about a month now and it has been really hard not telling people...I have only told a very select few..mainly family. The reason why I did this was because last time when I miscarried...I had made it public I was pregnant early..and I also made it public that I had miscarried but not everyone saw the miscarriage announcement for some reason...and getting questions over & over again about "how is the pregnancy?" or "how far along are you now?" It gets really hard and heartbreaking. I still probably should have waited since I will only be eight weeks tomorrow...but I had an ultrasound today and I have never made it to an ultrasound before. The baby definitely had a heartbeat measuring at 153 beats per minute. A lot of people have predicted that its going to be girl with such a high heartbeat. Lucas of course is dissapointed and in denial by all these rumors because he wants a boy. I honestly just want a healthy baby...boy or girl. We are just happy this lil peanut has a heartbeat. But just because it has a heartbeat now...doesn't mean we are in the clear....we will still be needing a lot of prayer to help us through this.

Names....I know most of you remember names we had picked out from before...but they have changed..slightly. If its a boy it will be Justin Thomas (instead of Jacob)..we finally found a J name we could agree on...and if its a girl it will still be Isabella Nicole.

As most of you know from my previous blog...I will be moving back home (we leave here December 20th and should get there sometime December 21st in the evening). Lucas will most likely not be here for the delivery as the baby is estimated due July 21st and he isn't due back until sometime in August. Yes it will be hard..but this isn't going to be our only baby and my family will be there to help me through it. Also I am going to MAYBE see about having it recorded for him to watch when he gets home.

Again...we still need all the prayers we can get. A little prayer can go a long way. I love you all.

November

Well things are looking up now. :] Im pretty excited for the rest of this year...well November at least. :] Tomorrow i get Buffalo Wild Wings which is one of my favorites :] then Thursday Lucas has the day off and we are going to have a movie day and Im going to make GUMBO :] Yum...then Friday he has a meeting for HOA...which is where is deploying to sometime in January. Yes you read right..Lucas is deploying in January. I will be moving back home while he is deployed and putting all of our stuff in storage..because its better financially...we will bank A LOT...$7000 in just BAH alone. Anyways back to November, Saturday I get to babysit Makayla..my neighbors daughter..shes ADORABLE & fun. :] Then next week on Friday is our BALL :] I am so excited to get all dressed up & see my hubby in his blues & dance & have fun. We are staying the entire weekend at Myrtle Beach...we will have a nice little vacation. THEN when we return my parents will be coming for Thanksgiving..and I LOVE Thanksgiving...YUMMY FOOD! :D Then it will be December..which is CHRISTMAS..which just happens to be my favoritest time of year.

I have to start packing up the house pretty soon probably..I just don't really have the motivation to do it. Don't get me wrong...I am super excited to be moving back home and be with friends and family...but I am going to miss Lucas like crazy. Hes my whole world. We are wanting to get pregnant before he leaves because we want a baby before 2012...so please pray that we get pregnant before he leaves. I plan on working while he is gone to keep myself occupied...I might look into going to school too..but we will see. :] Thanks for all the support everyone...I love you all so much.

Heres to November

Can't Sleep

So is almost one in the morning here and I can't sleep...I have had nausea for about a week now and lots of headaches...I didn't know if it was in my head or the flu or if im pregnant...I know what I want it to be of course. Again with the symptoms I guess...I hate this part of trying...its exhausting...well anyways I threw up a little bit tonight..so at least I can rule out that its not just in my head...Either flu/stress or pregnancy...now we play the waiting game. I plan on taking a test on my birthday if I haven't started the dreaded period by then. I know a lot of my friends are sick of me complaining or wanting a baby or whatever...but honestly I don't care what anybody else thinks anymore. I know a lot of people think I should just be over it..its been two months...but I still fall apart at times...a lot actually. Lucas doesnt even know it...either hes downstairs or asleep when I fall apart. I just can't help it...there are so many undeserving people out there getting pregnant & having babies...it just doesn't seem fair. All I want is a child to call my own...to dress up..and play with..and take care of...I don't think its too much to ask. Sorry guys..just had to vent and let it out..I've been bottling it up a lot lately. Plus Im emotional...another symptom that Im probably just psyching myself out over. Whatever. Please just pray that its what I want it to be..please...I really want this more than anything.

Anyways..on a good note..I get to go home to Texas for my birthday...I leave in FOUR days...Im super excited...I can't wait to see my family.

Follow-Up

So at my doctors appointment on the 8th..the doctor told me that its okay to start trying again..as long as I am emotionally ready. He said that if they do tests they probably aren't going to find anything wrong and thats its just a waste of time. So we are going to take a chance and try again. Originally someone had told me I had to wait THREE menstraul cycles before we could try again because the uterus had to heal and whatnot...but the doctor said that the only reason why they say that is because when you find out your pregnant..they like to find out your due date by going off your last menstraul cycle...WELL he said that they use ultrasound machines for that now...so yeah...well I have already had two cycles anyways..so I think its safe to go ahead and start trying. WELL..basically just letting whatever happen happen...we aren't going to "try" but we aren't going to prevent it either. BUT a little prayer can go a long way :P...just because we aren't "trying" doesn't mean im not going to be praying with all my might that I get pregnant and stay pregnant. I just want a happy beautiful HEALTHY baby. Is that too much to ask? I mean jeez I am going to be 22 in about a month...and if we end up doing what we had talked about (four kids) well we better get busy..because once I hit 30 I am DONE!

PRAYER REQUEST
We get pregnant SOON and have a stress-free and amazing 9 month pregnancy..and have a perfect beautiful happy and healthy baby. Please & Thank you.

True Love

I honestly don't know what I would do without Lucas. He is truly and honestly my "rock"..I have always heard that in the past..."he/she is my rock" and I never really understood it until now. He holds me together when I can't hold myself together. We have been together for about two and half years and married for a year & a half. My love for him grows everyday...I can honestly say I have never felt this strongly for someone. Yes I have been in love in the past...but not like this..not this deeply and unconditionally. There are times where he drives me crazy and there are times when he pisses me off more than anything...but at the end of the day...there is nobody I would rather be with...nobody I would rather fall asleep next to and wake up next to....I would rather get in a thousand fights with him than live a single day without him.
Especially with what we are going through right now with the loss of our second baby...he has truly been there for me...even if its just to hold me while I cry or just listen to my "its not fair" speech. Yes I have my mother here to help me through this and she has been AWESOME and I don't know what I would do without her. Especially since Lucas can't be here all day everyday with me. But there are times where I just want to snuggle up with my husband and cry or just be held.

When we got married there were certain people that doubted our love...infact there were even bets placed on how long our marriage would last...they claim it was just a joke..but I doubt it. I wonder how many of you losers...lonely SINGLE losers have lost your bets now? Don't doubt love unless you have actually felt it...REAL true..you can't spend your life without them..love. I have even been called a "bad wife" by some of these so called friends of his. If moving across the country from all my friends & family makes me a bad wife...then damn I must be with worst wife in the world. If dropping out of college to marry the love of my life makes me a bad wife...then wow..I guess I am. If sitting in the ER and waiting rooms for hours..and when I say hours I mean like THREE hours or more..sometimes up to SIX...while he is in surgery or in serious pain with the whole wrist thing..makes me a bad wife..again Im just the worst there is. I might not keep my house spotless...I might not have a job to help support us...but I do my best...and I love him with my entire heart..more than my own life...so before you go calling me a bad wife..maybe you should look at your friendship...how often can you say you have called him to see how HE is doing..not to talk about yourself...but to see how HE is? Because honestly...I can only think of ONE person who actually did this when we were going through our hard time...he called as soon as he found out...and yes I have even fought with this person...but I still love him like a brother...and I can honestly say he is TRULY an amazing best friend for my husband to have. Idk I guess I just get frustrated with a lot of his so called friends...but there are a few good ones that I am glad are in his life. No names are going to be mentioned...you know who you are..and if you really have to question it...then send me a message...but Im sure you know it if you hang out with us when we are home...or you still talk.

Anyways..I just wanted to post a blog on how much I love my amazing husband and how I wouldn't be able to survive without him. Not just for the people who doubt us..but just because I felt like it. Maybe its to help remind him how much I really do love him...although I try to make sure to remind him everyday anyways. :P

Decision

So I have been thinking a lot lately...lots of time to think when you have trouble falling asleep. Well if I want these tests done to see if theres something wrong with us as to why I have had two miscarriages then we have to wait two months to TTC because I cant be pregnant when they do these tests. I was completely fine with this at first because last week of course I was such an emotional wreck from losing the baby.
WELL now I am thinking more about just letting whatever happen happen...not using protection when we start having sex again...1. because condoms SUCK. and 2. I have always heard that after a miscarriage, you are more fertile.
The two doctors that I have seen already have both said that theres probably nothing wrong and that when they run these tests they probably wont find anything wrong..that its just bad luck. Well what if we wait to get these tests done and the doctors are right..that its just bad luck and I am wasting this fertility to get tests done for nothing...for bad luck. THEN what if we start trying after these just bad luck nothing comes up tests are done and it takes a long time to get pregnant? UGH. Im just so frustrated because I cant make up my mind...because what if there is something wrong and its fixable?
Lucas says to just do what I want that it doesnt matter what he wants..but I think he wants to wait and get these tests done...but hes such a pushover (sorry hun but you are) that he wont voice his opinion more. He says that its my uterus and baby and blah blah blah...but its OUR baby not MY baby. Idk. My mom sees it both ways and my dad didnt really have an opinion..at least not one that he voiced to me.

I am just so stuck because I really want a baby and Im really leaning more towards just taking a chance and letting whatever happen happen. Then if LORD FORBID THIS HAPPENS if it happens again..another miscarriage then definitely get all these tests done. Idk.
Opinions are welcome please.
I love you all very much.

Prayers needed as well to help us stay strong through this emotional rollercoaster.

Heartbreaking News

Well we went in for our first OB appointment today...they took me back almost immediately and did an ultrasound...looking at the ultrasound is always amazing..especially when your clueless except for that little blob-like baby on the screen. Well the lady was like..Im sorry to tell you this but I am not finding a heartbeat..but let me go get another Doctor. So she brings in this Doctor and moves the little ultrasound thing around on my belly and they say there is no heartbeat. Also..they measured it and it was only at the measurements of 9 weeks and 3 days...and according to my period I am supposed to be at 12 weeks and 2 days...So they assume that the heart stopped beating and it stopped growing about three weeks ago.

We are both extremely devastated. Lucas was FINALLY getting more excited about becomming a father. I was very attached to the baby..reading its growth each week and everything. It hurts A LOT more this time around since I made it further. Last time I was only 5 weeks and I had just barely found out I was pregnant.

I scheduled for a D & C tomorrow at 9:00AM...but I am going to have them do a second ultrasound just to make sure...I would rather be safe than sorry.

As for losing the baby...I do have my resentment towards certain people and then of course as bad as this sounds I am upset with Him...mostly I just want to ACTUALLY talk to him..as in hear his answers...I want to know WHY...I know everything happens for a reason...well I want to know the reason. Am I not meant to be a mother? Am I able to carry a baby full term and it live til it grows old & dies? Am I supposed to adopt? More than anything I want to have a baby...preferably one of my very own..made by me and Lucas...I want it to have our blue eyes and pale skin and be beautiful.

Well we are going to get some testing done to see if maybe there is a problem with one of us and if its fixable then we can get it fixed. We do plan on trying again once we know nothing is wrong and the doctors say that its okay to start trying again.

Im not asking for sympathy..in fact I would rather not have it...I just want everyone to know so nobody comes up asking me in a month or two "how is your baby?" or just touches my belly. I HATED that last time.

Lucas and I are fine...we will get through this together. It will be hard but we have eachother and of course all of you. All I can ask is the people who are religious to please pray that if we do get pregnant again (hopefully we do) that this doesnt happen anymore.

Thank you for all your love and support...it is much appreciated..especially during this hard time.

Baby names

So as long as I can remember I have had the names for at least my girls picked out...since I was very young. Isabella Nicole and Elizabeth Rose...these names are going to the be the names of my daughters no matter what. We had also decided on some boy names..Jacob Thomas and Michael Edward (Thomas is his grandfathers middle name and Edward is my grandfathers middle name). As many of you have probably already noticed and compared it to...Isabella, Jacob, and Edward...yes Twilight...NO my kids are not named after Twilight...and I am SICK & TIRED of people making that assumption. We decided on Jacob Thomas because we really like J.T. we thought it would be a cool nickname for him. To be honest...Lucas loves the name Jason..he has always dreamed of naming his son Jason (after a power ranger)...well I told him there was no way in hell that I was naming my son after his friend. A "friend" who I happen to dislike very much. So now I am debating on changing Jacobs name but NOT to Jason (it will still be a J name). Im not really sure yet...I wrote down a few other options and I plan on discussing them with Lucas later. Michael Edward will probably stay just because I would really like to have my grandfathers name in there since his grandfathers name will be there. I am just frustrated with everyone associating my future babies names with Twilight when it has nothing to do with that..Yes I love Twilight but I wouldn't name my children after a book.

As far as the pregnancy goes...its going very well...I will be 12 weeks on Saturday and we get to hear the babies heartbeat on Monday. Lots of nausea..some days I don't even get out of bed.

Update on everything

Well...we went home for almost two weeks (to Texas)...it was AMAZING. I love being in Texas..especially getting to spend time with the families. The dogs LOVED it...they swam A LOT. I didn't do a whole lot outside like Seaworld or anything just because the heat is really getting to me. While I was home my mom took me to a Destination Maternity store...it was AWEWSOME...I tried on some clothes & I got to try on this baby belly thing that showed me what I would look like at 7 months (right around Christmas) and there was a gorgeous green shirt on sale for only $10 so I bought it as my Christmas outfit. :D My cousin Allen got married to Hannah (which is the whole reason we went home) the wedding was cool...I cried at the beginning cuz my hormonal emotions got to me...but it was fun...its always great to see extended family...ESPECIALLY my cousins. :]

The pregnancy is going GREAT...I am 9 weeks and 3 days according to my PCM's calculations...I go in for my first OB appointment on August 9th...We are going to get to hear the babys heartbeat...I CANT WAIT <3 I cant wait to find out if its a boy or girl but thats about two more months away....I just want to know whether its Jacob Thomas or Isabella Nicole. My parents are really excited about the baby..my mom always has to announce to everyone that shes going to be a Grandma...shes really excited. :] Lucas isnt quite as excited but he says once I start showing that he will be more excited....I think hes already starting to get more excited though because I am 3 weeks further along than last time. The nausea is really bad right now, BUT I have only thrown up ONCE and I think the heat got to me because I was doing a yard sale. I have my Zofran and these cool candy-like things called preggie pops that help the nausea.

Thats pretty much it for now...love you all and keep up the prayers that this pregnancy will go AMAZINGLY and the baby will be perfect & healthy. They are much appreciated <3

Countdown Ticker

A ticker thing to watch our baby grow :]

Baby news

So I went to the doctor FINALLY today to confirm the pregnancy. ITS CONFIRMED :]
Approximately 6 weeks and 3 days (for those that want to help count that means every Saturday is a new week) :] Estimated due date is February 22nd, 2011.

Of course its too soon to know if its a boy or girl yet...but we are hoping for a boy...I have a big brother and I want my little girl(s) to have a big brother. :] But there is a GSE curse that they only have girls...I am happy either way though..boy or girl...as long as its healthy. :]

We are leaving tomorrow for Texas...going for TWO weeks...I can't wait to see everyone :]

Hair

So I made myself a little deal that if im pregnant that I would cut my hair...because I was debating on cutting my hair. AND my mom said that if I wait until I go home that she would pay for it. :] So heres the hairstyle that I am thinking of doing...

I really really really like it! :] It is just way too hot for my long hair. Im pretty excited about getting it cut. :]

100% sure

So I took a second test this morning and it said PREGNANT :D I got one of those fance smancy digital kinds. lol. Lucas wasnt happy about that..he said they all work the same. Oh well...too late now :]

Still waiting to go to the doctor on the 29th. Today and tomorrow I have to clean clean clean and get ready for the party tomorrow. Lucas is turning 21 on Sunday :] and its his first Fathers Day...I think maybe I will make him a card (he doesnt really care about that kind of stuff...but I think it would be CUTE) :]]

The mood swings haven't been too bad yet...but I definitely have had some. Poor Lucas. :[ lol.

Scare

WARNING DETAILS!!!

So the pregnancy is going well so far :] I am so freaking ecstatic...other than the mood swings nothing can bring me down :P

Oh so I had a scare the other day though...I started bawling I was so scared (sorry Nicolette) I was at Chick-Fil-A with Nicolette and Makayla..and I had to go potty...and when I went to wipe there was blood...enough to fill the tissue completely red....but there wasnt any in my undies...but still after last years miscarriage I got so scared. My stomach dropped and as I texted Lucas to tell him how scared I was I started bawling. I overexagerated to Nicolette on how much blood there was...because to me it looked like a lot jsut because I got scared and it was all over the toilet paper. So I bought some pads and another pregnancy test (to make sure it wasnt a false positive) although that was yesterday and I still havent taken the test. Well by the time I got home and was changing clothes (two hours-ish) the bleeding stopped. Sooo now I am spotting. I am still probably going to take the other test though just for the sake of it...its a clear blue (the one that says pregnant or not pregnant) But if Im not pregnant that would be CRAZY with all the symptoms I am having.

I cant wait to go to the Doctor on the 29th though....just because last pregnancy I didnt even get to make it to my first appointment (I had the miscarriage the day I was supposed to go in) :[

Keep praying that this baby makes it all the way and lives a full, happy, and healthy life. Please please please & thank you :] Right now we can use all the prayers we can get.

I love you all. Thanks for everyones well wishes and tips. :]

FINALLY

So I took a pregnancy test this morning and there were TWO lines :D I am FINALLY pregnant. I dont know how far along I am or anything like that because I JUST found out this morning silly people. The doctor won't see me until the 29th because technically my period isn't late yet according to their calendars of REGULAR periods, but my period is IRREGULAR and starts three days earlier every month. Oh well. I have been taking prenatals for the last month & a half (leftover from the miscarriage that I never got a chance to take)
Now I at least know I am not having symptoms for nothing because that was annoying. :] Now this nausea is a GOOD thing because I have a little miracle growing inside me :]]


Oh and this morning while I was waiting for the overwhelming excitement to go away so I could go back to sleep..I decided I am not doing ANYTHING until I know the sex of the baby at least...I do not want to jinx us at all.

I do need prayers that this baby makes it all the way. I really dont want another miscarriage and I want the baby to live a full and healthy life.

I am extremely excited about this though as many of you know all the frustrations with trying. :]

Deleted last post

I had someone (a good friend) tell me I should delete my last post because it might come back and bite me in the butt...I dont really know why...but I figured I would take the advice anyways just incase :] Better safe than sorry.



I am still frustrated that Lucas doesnt help me around the house & I am hoping that our fight last night was a slap in face of some reality. But who knows...only the future will tell.



We have been fighting a lot lately...IDK why..but its whatever. We arent getting divorced over it..its just petty little nothing fights.

Symptoms :/

WARNING DETAILS!


Okay lets start with the miscarriage. For those of you who dont know...I was pregnant last year (May 2009) for five weeks..and my baby did not survive...it died on or around June 1st. We were NOT trying to get pregnant at the time...I was off of birth control for ONE week and got pregnant...the Doctors didnt know why I miscarried...their only guess was that the sack didnt attach to the uterus correctly. My guess is because of not being off birth control for very long. Anyways...we werent ready for kids anyways because financially we just weren't ready and we wanted to enjoy our marriage a little more before having a lil one running around. After that first pregnancy I decided more than anything that I wanted to be a mother. Lucas decided he wanted to wait awhile. Through the months & months of waiting I had been bothering him that I wanted a baby & that I wanted to start trying.
Finally when our name came up on the housing list he said that we could start trying as soon as we moved into our new house since we would have a bedroom for the baby. So around January 20th we started trying. It has been very difficult these months of trying as I psych myself out thinking I am pregnant each month because I get the symptoms A LOT.
The main problem was that I had Chronic Nausea...I had been nauseous since August/September time. I was throwing up, dry heaving, couldnt get out of bed nauseous. I lost my job because I was calling out sick so much. Well FINALLY in March/April I found out that I have H Pylori (a bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancer) so they put me on some anti-biotics to get rid of it. Tomorrow I go back to the GI Specialist to find out if the H Pylori is completely gone.

Anyways...now I am psyching myself out again thinking I am pregnant...I have been nauseous like crazy...especially this morning as six AM. EXCUSE the details...constipated, soreness around nipples, cramping when my period isnt even near, sharp pains near my rib cages, headaches, mood swings like crazy, etc. The MAIN thing that has me going though is that last night I had a dream that I peed on that stupid little pregnancy test and it was positive..the last time I had that dream I was pregnant. I know I am probably just psyching myself out...but I cant help it...I want a baby more than anything. It doesnt help my poor husband that I have been a crazy b*tch or an emotional wreck :[ Darling if you read this im sorry you have to put up with me :[ and I love you for doing so <3
I am surrounded by babies & pregnant women...its INSANE. Everyone I know is either pregnant or has a cute little bundle of joy. Well WHERE IS MINE?!?!? I can't help but get frustrated. Its been almost six months since we have been trying.

THEN to top it off..tonight my mind has to play the what if game...What if im not pregnant? What if I cant get pregnant? What if I am pregnant and I have another miscarriage? UGH seriously? WHY does my mind have to pull these questions on me NOW?

Well again sorry for the details but last month my period started on the 15th BUT it was like 12 days long & my period has been earlier & earlier every month. I go to the Doctor Thursday for my yearly papsmere (sp?) YUCK...and maybe I can get her to do a test (it might be too soon though)

If any of you readers pray...please pray that I am pregnant & have a healthy pregnancy & my baby lives to see the light of day.
I love you all very much. Thank you for all your support.

SORRY ABOUT DETAILS

My Abby baby is sick :[

I am worried about Abby, my black lab mix...shes a little over a year now. In January right before we moved I woke up to two very big wet spots...but they didnt smell like pee and she was just laying in them. Well then last month there were little wet spots everytime she was sleeping and they smelled weird..again not like pee..but it was only for a day or two. Well now...she has wet the bed (smells like pee) two nights in a row. The first night it was three little pee spots...and last night it was a big spot on the blanket and a little spot on the sheet. We went to the airport to pick up our neighbor..my best friend here..Nicolette & her adorable baby Makayla...well when we went to the airport we had them in the kennel..and Dustin & Ashley (the people staying with us until their house is ready) said that one of them had thrown up in the kennel. I think it was probably Abby...shes been following me around the house for the last hour or so being super extra snuggly...NOW I know shes not feeling good because whenever Lucas is home I dont exist to her. So I dont know whats wrong with my poor Abby baby. The base vet is closed on the weekend and will be closed tomorrow for memorial day. The phone there is always busy so I walk to there and make an appointment (which is usually impossible to get anyway) on Tuesday...Hopefully I will be able to get an appointment. Poor Abby. :[

Starting out

This is my very first blog here...my first blog in about eight years...wow its been a long time since I have blogged. I got encouraged to blog because my bestie Steph is blogging and it just looks like such a great idea.

So I started this game & most of you will probably think its super nerdy or dorky but I really dont care. I enjoy playing it. Its Pirates of the Caribbean online....www.piratesonline.com You should try it. Its addicting. Some people like that WoW game...well I prefer to be a pirate! :P
Plus it gives me something to do while Lucas is playing his xbox all the time.

Well that it for my first post. :]