Well we went in for our first OB appointment today...they took me back almost immediately and did an ultrasound...looking at the ultrasound is always amazing..especially when your clueless except for that little blob-like baby on the screen. Well the lady was like..Im sorry to tell you this but I am not finding a heartbeat..but let me go get another Doctor. So she brings in this Doctor and moves the little ultrasound thing around on my belly and they say there is no heartbeat. Also..they measured it and it was only at the measurements of 9 weeks and 3 days...and according to my period I am supposed to be at 12 weeks and 2 days...So they assume that the heart stopped beating and it stopped growing about three weeks ago.
We are both extremely devastated. Lucas was FINALLY getting more excited about becomming a father. I was very attached to the baby..reading its growth each week and everything. It hurts A LOT more this time around since I made it further. Last time I was only 5 weeks and I had just barely found out I was pregnant.
I scheduled for a D & C tomorrow at 9:00AM...but I am going to have them do a second ultrasound just to make sure...I would rather be safe than sorry.
As for losing the baby...I do have my resentment towards certain people and then of course as bad as this sounds I am upset with Him...mostly I just want to ACTUALLY talk to him..as in hear his answers...I want to know WHY...I know everything happens for a reason...well I want to know the reason. Am I not meant to be a mother? Am I able to carry a baby full term and it live til it grows old & dies? Am I supposed to adopt? More than anything I want to have a baby...preferably one of my very own..made by me and Lucas...I want it to have our blue eyes and pale skin and be beautiful.
Well we are going to get some testing done to see if maybe there is a problem with one of us and if its fixable then we can get it fixed. We do plan on trying again once we know nothing is wrong and the doctors say that its okay to start trying again.
Im not asking for sympathy..in fact I would rather not have it...I just want everyone to know so nobody comes up asking me in a month or two "how is your baby?" or just touches my belly. I HATED that last time.
Lucas and I are fine...we will get through this together. It will be hard but we have eachother and of course all of you. All I can ask is the people who are religious to please pray that if we do get pregnant again (hopefully we do) that this doesnt happen anymore.
Thank you for all your love and support...it is much appreciated..especially during this hard time.
Im sitting here in tears reading this...you kno you are always in my prayers love, call or email me (mschristinarenee@aol.com) if you wanna talk or anything...i kno rite now there isnt really anything anyone can say that can make it better for awhile, but atleast Lucas is there with you....Love you.....
ReplyDeleteDarling, I cannot believe this. I am so very sorry, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please don't lose faith in your future as a wonderful mother, you will be someday. I wish I could take the pain away, but I know I can't. Try to refocus yourself in any way possible, you'll get through this, you are a strong, courageous, beautiful woman.
ReplyDeleteThanks loves..I am doing much better now..its still hard and I still fall apart..a lot. This loss is much harder than when we lost our first one.
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