True Love

I honestly don't know what I would do without Lucas. He is truly and honestly my "rock"..I have always heard that in the past..."he/she is my rock" and I never really understood it until now. He holds me together when I can't hold myself together. We have been together for about two and half years and married for a year & a half. My love for him grows everyday...I can honestly say I have never felt this strongly for someone. Yes I have been in love in the past...but not like this..not this deeply and unconditionally. There are times where he drives me crazy and there are times when he pisses me off more than anything...but at the end of the day...there is nobody I would rather be with...nobody I would rather fall asleep next to and wake up next to....I would rather get in a thousand fights with him than live a single day without him.
Especially with what we are going through right now with the loss of our second baby...he has truly been there for me...even if its just to hold me while I cry or just listen to my "its not fair" speech. Yes I have my mother here to help me through this and she has been AWESOME and I don't know what I would do without her. Especially since Lucas can't be here all day everyday with me. But there are times where I just want to snuggle up with my husband and cry or just be held.

When we got married there were certain people that doubted our love...infact there were even bets placed on how long our marriage would last...they claim it was just a joke..but I doubt it. I wonder how many of you losers...lonely SINGLE losers have lost your bets now? Don't doubt love unless you have actually felt it...REAL true..you can't spend your life without them..love. I have even been called a "bad wife" by some of these so called friends of his. If moving across the country from all my friends & family makes me a bad wife...then damn I must be with worst wife in the world. If dropping out of college to marry the love of my life makes me a bad wife...then wow..I guess I am. If sitting in the ER and waiting rooms for hours..and when I say hours I mean like THREE hours or more..sometimes up to SIX...while he is in surgery or in serious pain with the whole wrist thing..makes me a bad wife..again Im just the worst there is. I might not keep my house spotless...I might not have a job to help support us...but I do my best...and I love him with my entire heart..more than my own life...so before you go calling me a bad wife..maybe you should look at your friendship...how often can you say you have called him to see how HE is doing..not to talk about yourself...but to see how HE is? Because honestly...I can only think of ONE person who actually did this when we were going through our hard time...he called as soon as he found out...and yes I have even fought with this person...but I still love him like a brother...and I can honestly say he is TRULY an amazing best friend for my husband to have. Idk I guess I just get frustrated with a lot of his so called friends...but there are a few good ones that I am glad are in his life. No names are going to be mentioned...you know who you are..and if you really have to question it...then send me a message...but Im sure you know it if you hang out with us when we are home...or you still talk.

Anyways..I just wanted to post a blog on how much I love my amazing husband and how I wouldn't be able to survive without him. Not just for the people who doubt us..but just because I felt like it. Maybe its to help remind him how much I really do love him...although I try to make sure to remind him everyday anyways. :P

Decision

So I have been thinking a lot lately...lots of time to think when you have trouble falling asleep. Well if I want these tests done to see if theres something wrong with us as to why I have had two miscarriages then we have to wait two months to TTC because I cant be pregnant when they do these tests. I was completely fine with this at first because last week of course I was such an emotional wreck from losing the baby.
WELL now I am thinking more about just letting whatever happen happen...not using protection when we start having sex again...1. because condoms SUCK. and 2. I have always heard that after a miscarriage, you are more fertile.
The two doctors that I have seen already have both said that theres probably nothing wrong and that when they run these tests they probably wont find anything wrong..that its just bad luck. Well what if we wait to get these tests done and the doctors are right..that its just bad luck and I am wasting this fertility to get tests done for nothing...for bad luck. THEN what if we start trying after these just bad luck nothing comes up tests are done and it takes a long time to get pregnant? UGH. Im just so frustrated because I cant make up my mind...because what if there is something wrong and its fixable?
Lucas says to just do what I want that it doesnt matter what he wants..but I think he wants to wait and get these tests done...but hes such a pushover (sorry hun but you are) that he wont voice his opinion more. He says that its my uterus and baby and blah blah blah...but its OUR baby not MY baby. Idk. My mom sees it both ways and my dad didnt really have an opinion..at least not one that he voiced to me.

I am just so stuck because I really want a baby and Im really leaning more towards just taking a chance and letting whatever happen happen. Then if LORD FORBID THIS HAPPENS if it happens again..another miscarriage then definitely get all these tests done. Idk.
Opinions are welcome please.
I love you all very much.

Prayers needed as well to help us stay strong through this emotional rollercoaster.

Heartbreaking News

Well we went in for our first OB appointment today...they took me back almost immediately and did an ultrasound...looking at the ultrasound is always amazing..especially when your clueless except for that little blob-like baby on the screen. Well the lady was like..Im sorry to tell you this but I am not finding a heartbeat..but let me go get another Doctor. So she brings in this Doctor and moves the little ultrasound thing around on my belly and they say there is no heartbeat. Also..they measured it and it was only at the measurements of 9 weeks and 3 days...and according to my period I am supposed to be at 12 weeks and 2 days...So they assume that the heart stopped beating and it stopped growing about three weeks ago.

We are both extremely devastated. Lucas was FINALLY getting more excited about becomming a father. I was very attached to the baby..reading its growth each week and everything. It hurts A LOT more this time around since I made it further. Last time I was only 5 weeks and I had just barely found out I was pregnant.

I scheduled for a D & C tomorrow at 9:00AM...but I am going to have them do a second ultrasound just to make sure...I would rather be safe than sorry.

As for losing the baby...I do have my resentment towards certain people and then of course as bad as this sounds I am upset with Him...mostly I just want to ACTUALLY talk to him..as in hear his answers...I want to know WHY...I know everything happens for a reason...well I want to know the reason. Am I not meant to be a mother? Am I able to carry a baby full term and it live til it grows old & dies? Am I supposed to adopt? More than anything I want to have a baby...preferably one of my very own..made by me and Lucas...I want it to have our blue eyes and pale skin and be beautiful.

Well we are going to get some testing done to see if maybe there is a problem with one of us and if its fixable then we can get it fixed. We do plan on trying again once we know nothing is wrong and the doctors say that its okay to start trying again.

Im not asking for sympathy..in fact I would rather not have it...I just want everyone to know so nobody comes up asking me in a month or two "how is your baby?" or just touches my belly. I HATED that last time.

Lucas and I are fine...we will get through this together. It will be hard but we have eachother and of course all of you. All I can ask is the people who are religious to please pray that if we do get pregnant again (hopefully we do) that this doesnt happen anymore.

Thank you for all your love and support...it is much appreciated..especially during this hard time.

Baby names

So as long as I can remember I have had the names for at least my girls picked out...since I was very young. Isabella Nicole and Elizabeth Rose...these names are going to the be the names of my daughters no matter what. We had also decided on some boy names..Jacob Thomas and Michael Edward (Thomas is his grandfathers middle name and Edward is my grandfathers middle name). As many of you have probably already noticed and compared it to...Isabella, Jacob, and Edward...yes Twilight...NO my kids are not named after Twilight...and I am SICK & TIRED of people making that assumption. We decided on Jacob Thomas because we really like J.T. we thought it would be a cool nickname for him. To be honest...Lucas loves the name Jason..he has always dreamed of naming his son Jason (after a power ranger)...well I told him there was no way in hell that I was naming my son after his friend. A "friend" who I happen to dislike very much. So now I am debating on changing Jacobs name but NOT to Jason (it will still be a J name). Im not really sure yet...I wrote down a few other options and I plan on discussing them with Lucas later. Michael Edward will probably stay just because I would really like to have my grandfathers name in there since his grandfathers name will be there. I am just frustrated with everyone associating my future babies names with Twilight when it has nothing to do with that..Yes I love Twilight but I wouldn't name my children after a book.

As far as the pregnancy goes...its going very well...I will be 12 weeks on Saturday and we get to hear the babies heartbeat on Monday. Lots of nausea..some days I don't even get out of bed.